At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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