How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
