Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
