he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
