he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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