I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
