Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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