Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
