Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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