Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
