It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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