Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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