Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
