I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
