You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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