i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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