I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
