i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
