What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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