Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
