dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
