my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
