Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
