The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
