I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
