The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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