I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I understand Curling. That high.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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