I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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