I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
