would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
