Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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