life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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