peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
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