All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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