Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
