we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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