i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
