Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
