I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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