I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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