i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
