I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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