a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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