What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
