PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
