I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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