Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
