happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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