My liver just broke up with me...
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
