please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize