I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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