you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
