I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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