OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
