I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
